On the night from Wednesday to Thursday, 12⁄13 Feb 2020, at 1~2AM 13Feb, i posted a thread of some tweets about my learnings about my panic attacks triggered by human-body-workings thinking.
https://twitter.com/mikrfe/status/1227750240842698753
I copypasted most of it below, taking care of thread-forks. See the link above for everything — im not gonna delete, but im not feeling like boosting everything.
Not long ago i learned what a panic attack really is. On myself. With a knowledgeable witness to tell me what was that what i had just experienced. Somehow i never would have thought that was it. ( 1:24 AM )
I had known what triggers me for almost a decade. But i did not know it can be called a panic or anxiety attack. I knew it was kind of a phobia, but also thought that phobia is supposed to be more conscious somehow. ( 1:29 AM )
A friend asked: what does it… feel like?
( 1:38 AM )
calmness. nauseous. fear of tripping and falling. “gotta handle vomiting”. “maybe i should consider getting more oxygen, maybe low temperature will help”. “no, too cold, lets go back; also i might fall over that balcony barrier.” adrenaline, very good procedural thinking. ( 1:45 AM )
“hopefully my heart will do fine.” ( 1:46 AM )
[…]
also i think i might have forgot to mention very rapid heart rate, swooning, somehow having eyes vision allright but only being able to “see” with mind the thing being focused on, not being able to lift head to look at something and even then only being able to “see” things low ( 2:10 AM )
when i wanted to sit down on toilet i wanted first to put my phone and miband on mirror shelf, and despite having head leveled with it and having eye-horizon matched with it, i could only look below it and so i was putting those there blindly ( 2:11 AM )
The friend asked: what triggers it?
( 2:09 AM )
thats dangerous to talk about it but i will try to do quick
everything about my body that is a support system for my brain or actions (so muscles too). especially blood pressure moving oxygen and stuff. adrenaline injections (dentist: 10~30s panic when i got one in my palate), ( 2:13 AM )
almost a decade ago i was supposed to have eyes dripped with athropine for measurement
immediately i started seeing blurry, and then i got to vomiting and fainting. an hour later i was still seeing blurry waiting for another entry. and then i learned it was just physio saltwater ( 2:15 AM )
gets funny when i ask a friend who knows a lot about human biology to tell me about some specific things, and i urge them to tell me stuff quickly because i feel like a time bomb despite being really curious and interested in exactly that what they are telling me. same with books ( 2:12 AM )
i literally ask about stuff like, how aspirin inhibits aggregation of trombocites, and urge for a very quick, many-words-per-second answer because of feeling like a time-bomb. or start scrolling a web page or reading book pages feverishly ( 2:25 AM )
the friend says that it is because i am imagining how my body works and realize that i am a machine, that my mind and everything is supported by this very sophisticated and error-prone machine, and every feeling disrupts it, and every disruption prompts a mind workings disruption ( 2:27 AM )